When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas