[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
You Might Also Like
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374