The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.