Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
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Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
no their not
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
absolutely not
Very good news from my accountant
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again