Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
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My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Good boy 😂😂
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?