I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
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I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.