My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
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bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
back to work
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.