I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
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People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
😲 WTF? 😆
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
January has been Januweary
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?