Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
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I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
If you know, you know
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures