As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Autocorrect is my menesis
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
How actors in movies eat their food
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
i really liked this one
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.