I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.