Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
smartest karate player in the world
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.