[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
You Might Also Like
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane