i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
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[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
this is uni
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.