Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
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A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.