On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
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I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.