Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
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Breaking news:
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.