The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
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People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
inside you are two wolves
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice