Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
You Might Also Like
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.