{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
You Might Also Like
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
how to have fun when you’re poor
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
same bro
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza