‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”