After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
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Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.