Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
You Might Also Like
My work here is don’t.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!