Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days