RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
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*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.