cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
the answer was staring at me all along
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs