I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
A bold strategy
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!