ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
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BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.