When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
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When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
*updates tinder bio*
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
A collection of me turning into random objects.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.