Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
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Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[montage of me giving-up]