Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)