Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
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Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.