No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
The only equipped I am is ill.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now