Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence