A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.