The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
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Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious