*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
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I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*jazz hands*
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.