Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit