The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
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Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.