Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
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I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I’m not average. I’m mean.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.