Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
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Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what