Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Siri: Retweet me.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck