damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
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Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?