*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
You Might Also Like
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Botany good plants lately?
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.