Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
is this meant to deter me
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
#MeanwhileinCanada
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here