Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
You Might Also Like
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”