A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
You Might Also Like
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Breaking news:
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?