Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
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HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
#Caturday
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.