Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
For the ones in the back.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?