Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
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Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I am a gravy boat captain
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.